The Family Room

Playdate Series Part 1: Finding the Right Partner

Interview with Fiona Zecca, Early Childhood Development and Behavioral Specialist

The very thought of playdates strikes fear into the hearts of many parents of children on the autism spectrum. Who should I ask? Should I tell them about my child's challenges? Should I choose a typically-developing child or one with similar challenges? Will it be awkward? Will it benefit my child? Will he or she participate? Will the other parent agree? And what do we do when we're there? I asked Fiona Zecca to talk about the very first step: finding the right playdate partner for a child on the spectrum. Here is her answer:

I think it is probably more beneficial to match up with a typically developing kid for a playdate. The "expert" player is then able to more easily take some direction from you and keep the interactions going with your child. Of course you could have a playdate with two kids on the spectrum but probably the expectations would be very different--it would be more for exposure to peers and hopefully some interactions. I think the latter would be a lot of work for the mom/dad facilitating the playdate and bring on frustration, like "what's the point of doing this?"

In the past when I have helped organize playdates with some of my clients, the mom of the child on the spectrum has explained to the other mom that her child needs some practice socializing, that this is done best in a 1-on-1 playdate setting and she has been told by the child's teachers that these two kids seem to enjoy each other. She could then suggest picking up the child up from school once a week and have him to their house for an hour. In other words, making sure that the family pursuing the playdate does as much of the work as possible (pick up, drop off, etc.) so that the play partner doesn't feel burdened and want to bail out. With this format it will be very clear whether the other parent is a good match or not. Either they will agree to participate--or not.

As far as matching up two compatible kids, you have to take a chance and try different partnerships. It will be kind of obvious whether it is a good match. If your child is not in distress and it seems that both children are enjoying the activity, it is a good match. If you are matching two spectrum kids together and it feels too intense and too much pressure for each child (and each parent), this is probably not a good match. Even if your child feels some anxiousness anticipating the upcoming playdate but then slowly progresses each week by participating more, or being more interested in the partner each week, this is success. Remember that typically it takes children time to get used to everything. The more you do the playdates, the more he/she will be able to predict the routine, etc. Stick with it, if possible. You know your child and how long it usually takes him/her to get used to a new situation, if he/she has exceeded this typical timeline, probably not a good match, try another partner.

We'll go into more depth on this topic tomorrow. Stay tuned!

If you would like to ask Fiona a question, leave a comment here or contact her directly at fiona [at]fionazecca [dot] com.

Elizabeth Edwards at BlogHer07

Whatever your politics, join me in appreciating the grace and strength of character of Elizabeth Edwards, wife of presidential candidate John Edwards. She is the closing keynote here at Blogher 07 today. Quotes for the day:

On being attacked on the Internet and the media: "My experience of trolls; they don't go away if you ignore them. The same thing is true of Ann Coulter."

On stating her views, even when they differ from the campaign's: "No one's ever asked me to stop talking."

On Hillary Clinton and the Defense of Marriage Act: "She's in favor of repealing some of it. John and I are in favor of repealing all of it."

On universal healthcare: "The national will is there. But to pay for it we're going to have to raise taxes."

On Hillary Clinton: "If you say as a woman you should support me, then you should lead on the issues that are important to women."

On youth involvement in politics and community work: "I think one of the reasons young people are not involved is that they feel powerless, and that their voice will not be heard...I think it's part of the jobs of campaigns--wherever they are on the spectrum--to hand young people a megaphone."

On Iraq as a women's issue: "Iraq is a women's issue...I bet in 2004 I did not have a single event where a woman didn't cry in my arms for the loss of their child, or in fear for their child. I think if women were in charge there would be no more wars."

On the politics of war: "I was once at a fundraising event when the the audience was asked who among them had a relative who was serving in Iraq, and not one of the guests raised their hand--but all of the people who were serving raised their hands."

On the politics of media: "John has said that he does not want Rupert Murdoch to be the gatekeeper of the information that Americans receive."

More on Rupert Murdoch: "I don't agree with Rupert Murdoch. I agree with me all the time. But I still don't think I should be the sieve through which all information flows."

On where she gets her news: "I turn on the BBC. I don't want to hear 90 seconds on an issue. I want to hear it fully discussed."

On self-expression: "I think people dye their hair purple because they want to be noticed in a very crowded world."

On campaigning in Texas: "I'd like John to go to Texas and campaign against Rudy Giuliani."

On how her faith informs her political views: "I believe that we are given a set of guidelines and that we are obligated to live our lives with a view to those guidelines....not because of the promise of eternal life, but because it is right."

Anyone want to join me in nominating Mrs. Edwards as a write-in candidate for 2008?

Photo courtesy of Stefania Pomponi Butler at Citymama. And thanks to Robyn and Glennia for filling in a few quotes I missed.

Blogher07 Day 2: Book to Blog, and Back Again

I'm live-blogging this session for the benefit of my mom-blog-writer friends who I KNOW have a book in them--you know who you are. It's 10:15 on Saturday and I'm in a room with about 100 other women curious about how to turn their blogs into a book. The panelists are Denise Wakeman, founding member of The Blog Squad, writer and editor Ariel Meadow Stallings, Lifehacker founder Gina Trapani and ICM literary agent Kate Lee.

Kate represents a number of bloggers--she started out as an assistant trying to find clients, and through them, her niche. She began by contacting people she'd met online, and it spread virally at the beginning. She's looking for voice--unique and compelling voice. She's also looking for traffic, and, finally, ideas and concept--something fresh and new that hasn't been out there before.

So, how important is it to have a blog? Kate says "it's a no-brainer"--for marketing and for connecting directly with your audience. Most publishers want you to have a Web page so there are at least links to Amazon, B&N and Borders.

Ariel and Gina talked about how having a blog has helped them market their books. Gina included the traffic stats, etc in the book proposal. Lifehacker is a Gawker Media blog, so Gina had the ability to build traffic that way. "So I wasn't touched by God. I was touched by Nick Denton." She had a mention in the NYT the day her blog launched. Ariel's personal blog is Electrolicious, which inspired her first book Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides.

Another question: if your work is posted on a blog, is it considered previously published for the book trade? No, but you might just run into a problem of whether there's new material that's not freely available online. Gina said that she did run into that issue with her book--her publisher wanted exclusive content, so it was a "delicate dance" to work it all out.

What about book tours? Ariel calls it an "ego-crumbling" experience, since no one goes to a reading unless they already know who you are. So she did many readings to eight people, "seven of whom were my friends, and the other one was some homeless guy who just wandered in." So Ariel ended up doing her readings...in bars. Her advice? "Have your antidepressants in your pocket."

To find an agent: go to Everyone Who's Anyone in Publishing. And if there's a book you like, look at the acknowledgements--they always thank their literary agent. Another bit of advice: find an inexperienced literary agent. The experienced ones are good, sure, but the new ones NEED your book to make their own career. And publishers love to publish experts. But not just by friends: according to Kate Lee, "You need to be an expert in the larger sphere...try to establish yourself elsewhere."

Final words from Ellen Gerstein, Director of Marketing at Wiley Press: "Look at some publishing industry blogs. There are some great agent blogs, some great puslisher blogs." And "break out of your echo chamber. Think really hard about how you're going to appeal to a broader audience."

Oh and you would expect that lifehacking goddess Gina would turn her personal experience into something practical we can all use: she wrote the definitive piece on turning your blog into a book. Check it out, and good luck!

7x7 Magazine Profiles The Family Room

So today I opened my email to find out that 7X7 magazine (a local mag) has profiled The Family Room in their "Cyber Patrol" section, along with a number of other local parenting blogs. I have to admit, it was a kick. Check it out here. Also included: my fellow Silicon Valley Mom bloggers City Mama, by Stefania Pomponi Butler, CrazedParent, by Charlene Birkeland, and the mother of us all, the Silicon Valley Moms Blog itself.

Blogher07 Day 1: Sisters Are Doing it For Themselves

Drizzly morning. Rolled out of bed after 4 1/2 hours of sleep, showered and ran down to the hotel lobby, where I met dozens of women waiting for the bus to the Navy Pier for the first day of Blogher 07. Oddly, the sign said "The Corporate Experience," but the crowd--in everything from tattoos and piercings to cardigans and kitten heels--or both--boarded anyway. Hubbub in the bus, women's voices, excited chattering--reminded me of a long-ago bus ride up to summer camp, the only real difference being that I did not wear my hair in pigtails, I was not wearing stupid green shorts, and my name was not (as of yet anyway) pinned to my shirt.

What is the sound of 700 women bloggers? Loud, I gotta tell you. Women have a LOT to say. But it was so exciting. Elisa, Lisa and Jory started off the day with a brief welcome, followed by a "speed dating" session in which I exchanged cards with probably two dozen women (It sort of felt like high school. Will anyone call?) There were health bloggers, body image bloggers, business bloggers, parent (okay, "mommy") bloggers, old, young, everything in between.

The first session I attended was called "The Life Stages of Online Communities" and it focused on how to build a community, how to nurture it, and some wry thoughts from Aliza Sherman (aka Cybergrrl) on how to let go. Great advice on how to maintain the trust of your community, and real-life examples of what happens when you do something that goes against the expectations you've set at the beginning: "If you're going to monetize, say it up front."

I was so impressed by Carol Lin, the former CNN anchor who left the network to care for her husband as he was dying of cancer. She is starting a site for families of cancer patients, which sounds like it will be a terrific resource.

And what happens when your community starts to take control? It's tough, as a founder, to face, and tough to do the right thing for the sake of the group. "It'll never grow," Aliza said, "if it's only you. It may not be what you thought it was at the beginning, but it could be a powerful thing. so let it go."

Great morning. Gotta run and learn more.

Pottering Around

I am in the midst, (or maybe I should say mist?) of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Don't worry, no spoilers here. In fact, I've been fanatical about avoiding any Potter news or talk so I can have a pure and childlike experience with the book. But the more I read (and this is true of all the Potter books, really) the more I wonder what "childlike" really means. Does it mean wonder? Newness? Openness to the world? There's a lot of pain in Potter, and, as I am quickly remembering, a lot of pain in childhood.

I met a new friend this weekend, someone with a child similar to Isaac. We discussed what happens when children realize that they are different, and what happens when the other kids realize it as well. Given that Isaac is only four, we are still in the "blissful ignorance" phase. The kids just don't notice yet--much, and I don't really know if Isaac does. But I don't believe anymore that ignorance really is bliss. It is worry, and concern, sometimes instructive, sometimes a waste of time.

Reading Potter this time is making me think a lot about Isaac's future. Will he feel alone? Will he find his strength? Will his difference resolve itself into a happy and fulfilling life? Will he discover his version of the Patronus charm when things are tough for him? As we sit on the bed and watch "Do-Re-Mi" from The Sound of Music for the eleventieth time, I think, sure, maybe. As I try to show him how to learn to make words in Starfall, and he screams and drops to the floor in frustration, I think, I dunno, and I try something else.

And, speaking of pain, he woke up the other morning and looked at me and said "Tummy hurts." It turned out he had a little upset stomach, and was soon fine, but I was struck by my (now familiar) dual reaction: 1) My sweet boy has a tummyache! and 2) He communicated pain verbally for the first time!! This is something that is just so hard to understand if you don't have a special needs kid--the sense that everything your child does is happening in two places at once: the in-the-moment experience place, and the watching-it-from-the sidelines place. And I can't even admit which of those thoughts entered my head first. I'm really not sure. And I wonder what that does to the experience of motherhood, in the end. Does it make it richer for him and us? Does it steal something away? I dunno. What do you think?

Good Clean Fun

One of the odd side effects of having a child on the autism spectrum is that it's actually a little contagious.  By which I mean that, if part of the compact of parenthood is learning to see things through a child's eyes, having a child who sees things differently means that you will probably start to change your perspective too.  Lately, Isaac has become deeply interested in several things: numbers, transportation, and the song "Do-Re-Mi" from The Sound of Music, the combination of which can make for a fun, if quirky, day out. 

On Sunday, our little family embarked on one of Isaac's favorite walks: from our house to the "F" streetcar, which has become almost like a family friend.  We trudged over hills, counting out street numbers and buses, humming the theme to "The Pink Panther" (a new favorite) and looking for different-colored houses.  Near Oak Street, we passed a group of 20-somethings, all garbed for some reason in combinations of red and black, one girl in bright red fishnets, shorts, a tee shirt and...kitten ears.  We sang "Do-Re-Mi" several hundred times, complete with Isaac's new lyrics: "Do a deer, a female deer. Re, a drop of Golden Gate Bridge..."  When we got to the Castro, Isaac walked straight into Hot Cookie, where he decided on a small chocolate chip cookie and thankfully missed the more, shall we say, fanciful (think anatomically correct) confections on display.   

From there, we got onto the orange F streetcar, still sporting signs from its previous life in Milan (my favorite being "Vietato Sputare," or "Spitting is Prohibited").  We sat, happily jammed between a group of Castro residents and a boisterous family of tourists on their way to Fisherman's Wharf.   Despite a few tantrum-y moments, it was a great day, and all told we probably spent $10: $3 for bus fare, $4 for bottled water, and $3 for cookies.  Next on our list: miniature golf.

This post also appears on the Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Of Pomegranates, The Monkees, and Large Explosions

I have tag guilt. In the past few weeks, Kristen, Jen and Vicki have kindly tagged me, and I have to admit I have been a wholly unsatisfactory tag-ee. So I will try to undo some of my bad karma with this post, and plan to do better in the future. Vicki's tag was the "Eight Random Facts" meme, which has been making its way around the blogosphere lately. First, the rules:

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

And now the facts:

1. The sound of Garrison Keillor's voice sets my teeth on edge. Nothing personal, Garrison, but I have to change the station whenever A Prairie Home Companion comes on the radio.

2. My parents were in the music business, so as a child I got to meet a lot of celebrities: Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, Davy Jones (of Monkees fame), and Smokey Robinson, who came to dinner and chanted Buddhist prayers in our guest bathroom between courses, slightly freaking out my mother, who feared they might be ill.

3. I have published a few translations of poems and short stories from the Italian.

3. I really, really, wish I could sing.

4. Vicki, this is for you: I do love to cook, but I don't have much time for it. I subscribe to the "use great ingredients and don't do much to them" philosophy, which works pretty well in crunchy-organic Northern California. I'm a horrible baker though, because I can't help experimenting.

6. I read every single book Agatha Christie ever wrote before I turned 18.

7. I went to elementary school with Todd Haynes, who was my best friend in the 5th grade. He was the first vegetarian I ever met, introduced me to the pomegranate, and cast me opposite him as Mrs. Keller in our 6th-grade production of "Helen Keller." His mom directed.

8. I sort of have a periodic thing for video games, especially the ones where you have to shoot aliens. And I love movies. Love them. Talky, emotional ones, ones where things explode, whatever. But they have to be good on their own terms.

Now I have something else to admit. Most of the people I thought to tag have been tagged already, so I'll tell you what: I'm planning to meet some new bloggers at BlogHer, so will introduce you to them after I get back. Deal?

Daily Life, a Day at a Time

I've been thinking about the big things lately: the past, and what it means, the future, and what it will bring, and, most importantly, what's happening now. For a long time after the diagnosis, we lived in a sort of siege state: running from evaluation to evaluation, therapy to therapy, hoping for the magic sign (or someone) to tell us it was alll a big mistake; he's just a late talker, he's just shy, he's just on his own schedule.

Isaac is in many ways at the edge of the spectrum: he's become verbal, he's blessedly free of medical issues, he's social (with adults), and sometimes we even forget a little that he's different. But if he's tired or ill, or going through a growth spurt, or in a new environment, or around other children, he can become very stimmy and remote, and it all comes rushing back: yes, he is a different kind of child.

At a certain point, we moved from the initial period of crisis into something new, something that felt a little different. Oh yes, I finally realized, this is autism. This is your life on autism. And that has brought a whole host of realizations along with it. Sure, some things are better. Isaac continues to learn and grow and surprise and delight us. We're no longer obsessively over-analyzing everything he does. We've moved into a state of acceptance, and of (generally) knowing how to deal. But there are some other important realizations too. A simple cold can throw us all into chaos. I was starting to look, and feel, tired and haggard all the time. We need to eat better, get more sleep, exercise and generally take better care of ourselves. We need to find time to enjoy what we're doing, right here and right now. We need to move past the siege state into something more manageable for the long term.

And that is the crux of it: learning how to live, really live, with an autism spectrum diagnosis. Last week it included a trip to the steam trains for Isaac, a trip to the gym and record store for Daddy, and a cool new pair of jeans for Mommy. This morning, J. will take Isaac to the local farmer's market, where he'll eat fresh peas right from the pod and demand a challah roll from his favorite bakery. Tonight we have a babysitter and we're going to see the new Harry Potter movie and then have dinner together. Oh, and actually talk. To each other. In about five minutes I'm going to do three sets each of sit-ups and push ups, and a few yoga stretches, to get my blood moving and welcome the day. (How can I do this, you ask? Everyone else is still sleeping). It's small, but it's progress, and that makes it feel huge.

Take care, my friends. Do something nice for yourselves this weekend.

Learning to Spell, Our Way

This morning, I awoke to the following snippet of dialogue emanating from the dining room:

Young Boy: S-T-A-L-I-N. Daddy, what does that spell?
Daddy: Isaac, you know what that spells. What does it spell?
Young Boy: S-T-A-L-I-N spells STALIN!
Daddy: That's right! STALIN!
Young Boy: K-N-O-P-F. What does that spell?
Daddy: K-N-O-P-F spells KNOPF. It's a very well-respected publishing house in New York. KNOPF!
Young Boy: (giggles)
Daddy: KNOPF! Isn't that a funny word? KNOPF! KNOPF!
Young Boy: (more giggling). KNOPF!
Mommy: (groggily). What the heck is going on in there?
Daddy: (in a rather droll tone of voice) We're reading the paper.
Young Boy: KNOPF!! KNOPF!!

Honestly, sometimes I think that the neurotypical world is overrated.