I have a confession to make: we've never thrown a birthday party for Isaac. Oh, we had a family gathering in New York for his first, including the traditional taste of chocolate cake (he was not a fan, and I briefly wondered if somehow I'd been raising the wrong child). But a proper birthday party, with kids, and screaming and presents and goody bags? Not that. Not yet.
It was between his first and second birthdays that the tornado hit--the not talking, the stimming, the missed developmental milestones. At night, I would curl up under the covers with What to Expect: The Toddler Years and read obsessively through the development charts, willing the columns to shift so that Isaac's spotty progress would seem less frightening. And then I'd put down the book and we'd have The Conversation: "Do you think it's more than a speech delay? You didn't speak in sentences until you were three. My cousins didn't speak until they were almost four. There's no way--he's too social/connected/happy/whatever. Do you think he is?" And on and on, over and over, for months.
Isaac started preschool in September 2005. Not long after, the birthday parties began. I remember carrying him several blocks and up a hill to a local park one hot spring day, but he started screaming as soon as he saw the billowing shape of the bouncy house and heard its motorized growl. He screamed at volume for a good 15 minutes until I concluded that he wasn't going to stop, and so I made our apologies, left our gift, and lugged him back down the hill, sweaty and humiliated, to the car. (Ironically, the next party was in the same spot, complete with bounce house. We managed to stay a little longer that time.)
So the birthday thing: it's been a sore spot. But Isaac is going to be four this summer and I just can't imagine allowing my boy to have a childhood without birthday parties. So we're going to try it this year, in sort of a laissez-faire kind of way. We'll invite kids from his school, our friends with kids, and we'll do it at the playground, sans bouncy house. And if he refuses the cake, or ignores the other kids, or spends the whole time on the swings, we'll just have to deal. As he often does, he'll tell us what he needs, and as we often do, we'll find a rhythm, improvising with what we have, until the next time.
Oh Susan...I've been there. Birthday parties—going to them and giving them—are a constant source of anxiety in our house. We've had luck with simple "at home" theme parties for GP, no more than a handful of children invited.
Your playground idea sounds perfect and I hope Isaac will surprise you and have a wonderful day. Fingers crossed for you!
Posted by: kristen | May 07, 2007 at 04:55 AM
I used to torture my children with birthday parties, both other people's and their own.
I finally 'got it' and admitted defeat. For Leo's 4th we had two friends from therapy back home here for a 'play date' birthday party - very low key and a genuine success.
BEst wishes
Posted by: Maddy | May 07, 2007 at 07:58 PM
I admit I got a little choked up reading this lovely post. Parties were a sore spot for so long. I threw my What To Expect Toddler Years through a window. (I'm not kidding)
It gets so much better. You're doing the right things.
Keep those parties small, swift and manageable. I've become an expert at these parties (my daughter is 8), and parents always marvel at how well-organized and painless they are. If they only knew. See what a gift my daughter gave me? If not for her, I'd probably have ponies and acrobats and flaming fire jugglers. Simplicity. That's what she's given me.
Your guy sounds great.
Posted by: drama mama | May 11, 2007 at 08:21 AM