The Family Room

Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds

A long, spiky week full of highs and lows, crackle in the air like high desert, a dry lonely wind, and nary a post in sight.

Hi.

I do this sometimes, you know, in my so-called "regular" life. I go underground and need to, I don't know, disappear, get some perspective, hibernate. Or it's just hectic, or I feel guilty for writing about Isaac when I could be playing with him, or hanging with J., or, as is most often the case lately, trying to catch up on my sleep.

Tonight I saw the head of Isaac's school at a meeting, and she offhandedly commented that this time of year you see a lot of tantrums and a lot of behavioral leaps from the kids. Why didn't I know this, I wondered, as I recalled last Friday's nuclear meltdown: an hour in front of the dry cleaner's as Isaac refused to go to school, followed by another forty minutes as he howled and wailed and fell to the street.

I was good. I was patient. I was a model mom. I ignored the stink-eye from passersby, sure that I was doing some horrible bad mom thing that had clearly come home to roost. Or maybe I was just imagining it, because I'm a little oversensitive that way.

I knelt down in front of Isaac, took his face in my hands. "Isaac," I said, "You are a big boy. You know you need to go to school. Then Daddy will pick you up and you can ride the elevators with him later."

"I want to go on the elevator NOW!!!" he wailed, his body a ball of tensed, vibrating muscle.

"Sweetie, I know you are upset and want to go on the elevator now. But it's a school day."

"It's an ELEVATOR day!!!"

"You can do this," I responded, my voice a soft whisper in his ear, urging him to listen to my tone, if not my words.

"I CANNOT!!! I CAN'T!!!" he wailed.

I felt hot tears spring to my eyes. Don't overthink this, I thought. Just...don't. But I couldn't push it from my mind. He's never said that before. And I wondered whether he's formulated this thought to himself before: I can't do this.

It broke my heart.

Later, after I had severely compromised my "model mom" status with some ill-timed yelling and at least one involuntary F-bomb (ugh!), I finally got him through the school door and, urged by the teachers, left. My clothes in a sweat-soaked mess, my hair blown wild by the wind, I sat in my car and just listened for a moment to the blood pulse-pounding in my ears.

Don't overthink this, I thought. It's just a tantrum. It's not prophecy. It's not Shakespearean foreshadowing of some horrible thing that will happen in Act III, just as we're thinking we're out of the woods. Know it for what it is: a very overwhelmed, very angry, very frustrated four-year-old boy.

But I couldn't shake it. Not then.

An hour or so later, my phone rang. "He's fine now. He's having milk and cookies in the kitchen, and he's telling us that he's sad that you said goodbye, but that Daddy will pick him up later."

I think he bounced back faster than I did, the little stinker.

*
I don't know about you, but I don't think I can take any more studies revealing that maternal mental illness, vaccines, television, cell phones, or, who knows, hearing the collected works of Andrew Lloyd Webber in utero (though that last wouldn't surprise me) causes autism. I just can't. Can we call a truce for a while? Please?

In the meantime, I think I just need to read Emily every time a new study comes out, so I can be sure my science comes pre-analyzed and pre-debunked by a trusted source.

[Oh, and random factoid: a casual Google search tonight of the terms "autism cause" returned a mere 619,000 entries, dwarfed by the whopping 112,000,000 returned for a search of "Britney Spears." So don't even begin to tell me what that says about our culture's priorities.]

*
Finally, and without too many details, we had our very first actually successful playdate yesterday, by which I mean that Isaac met a new child and new parents in a new house, played with the boy (a little), laughed with him and seemed to enjoy himself--for quite a sustained period. It helped that the parents were delightful, the boy was gentle and tolerant and funny and sweet, he had exciting toys, and there were plenty of opportunities for breaks when Isaac needed them. We were genuinely sorry to leave, and Isaac remarked in his bath last night that he wanted to go back to their house. As did we.

Wow. Don't want to jinx it, but it seems...promising.

Please be patient with me. I'll try to keep the tumbleweed to a minimum this week.

Playdate Series Part 2: The Playdate

Interview with Fiona Zecca, Early Childhood Development and Behavioral Specialist

So, yesterday we talked about setting up the initial playdate. Can you elaborate on what we should look for in choosing a potential playdate partner?
Start by picking a child your child is interested in. Your ultimate goal is to have your child interact with another child, so pick someone who motivates your child. If you are unsure of this and your child is in a school or child care program, ask his/her teachers. If your child hasn't had many opportunities to form interest in another child or simply is not interested in other children, pick a child that is easygoing and willing to go on a playdate. Pick someone that you know is a good match for your child's temperament and sensory system - someone who will not overwhelm them. If your child is typically the leader, pick someone who can follow. Note that some kids that do not seem like they would be a good match sometimes bring out the most in each other. Probably it is most ideal to pick someone in your child's same age range.

What should be the format for the playdate? Where should you do it and for how long?
To start with I would have the playdate at your house, for no more than an hour, ideally once a week. Your child is going to be comfortable at his/her own home and this allows them to feel in control and possibly have the opportunity to show the other child some toys/activities that interest him/her. This is also beneficial for the partner because kids typically love going to someone else's house to check out their toys. Also, a park is the worst place to have a playdate because the children are not natually motivated to stay togetehr and play the same activity. You often will find one child on the swings, while the other child is going down the slide.

How do you choose the right activity?
I recommend choosing an interactive, high-interest activity that you will lead with the two children, such as baking/decorating cookies. If possible, playfully guide the partner to involve your child by transferring any directive you might give to your child on to the partner to keep your child an active participant. For example, you might ask the play partner to be in charge of the M&Ms by having him ask your child how many he/she wants for each cookie and what colors. This way they are having constant interactions. Eventually you will fade out as the playdates progress and the children are able to interact without so much support. I would recommend doing the same high-interest activity each week to give your child the opportunity to practice his/her role and because most children love predictability and repetition. Change the activity when it is clear they are bored and want a change. Other ideas might be: putting together a ginger bread house or painting a large cardboard box to make a train they can ride in together or an interactive structured game such as "Don't Break the Ice" or rocket stomper or large bubble wands or balloon pumps, etc. What you will choose will depend on your child's interests. Just make sure it is motivating to both children, and, naturally interactive.

So how do you tell if it's not working?
Give the partners at least four consistent times before giving up. Look for small amounts of progress. Certainly you should reevaluate if either child is having a horrible time, but be sure to not give up easily. Even if your child doesn't seem to be getting anything out of it, he/she may be getting more than you think. You may want to take some photos of the playdate in progress and post them on your refrigerator so your child can look at them during the rest of the week and anticipate the next playdate. If you find you just can't bear leading the playdates, it is just not your thing or perhaps you are too emotionally involved, see if you can get someone else to do it, an aunt, your child's dad, a tutor, a social coach, perhaps an aide from your child's school who wants to earn some extra money.

If you would like to ask Fiona a question, leave a comment here or contact her directly at fiona [at] fionazecca [dot] com. You can also check out her Sensory Social Playgroups website here.

Playdate Series Part 1: Finding the Right Partner

Interview with Fiona Zecca, Early Childhood Development and Behavioral Specialist

The very thought of playdates strikes fear into the hearts of many parents of children on the autism spectrum. Who should I ask? Should I tell them about my child's challenges? Should I choose a typically-developing child or one with similar challenges? Will it be awkward? Will it benefit my child? Will he or she participate? Will the other parent agree? And what do we do when we're there? I asked Fiona Zecca to talk about the very first step: finding the right playdate partner for a child on the spectrum. Here is her answer:

I think it is probably more beneficial to match up with a typically developing kid for a playdate. The "expert" player is then able to more easily take some direction from you and keep the interactions going with your child. Of course you could have a playdate with two kids on the spectrum but probably the expectations would be very different--it would be more for exposure to peers and hopefully some interactions. I think the latter would be a lot of work for the mom/dad facilitating the playdate and bring on frustration, like "what's the point of doing this?"

In the past when I have helped organize playdates with some of my clients, the mom of the child on the spectrum has explained to the other mom that her child needs some practice socializing, that this is done best in a 1-on-1 playdate setting and she has been told by the child's teachers that these two kids seem to enjoy each other. She could then suggest picking up the child up from school once a week and have him to their house for an hour. In other words, making sure that the family pursuing the playdate does as much of the work as possible (pick up, drop off, etc.) so that the play partner doesn't feel burdened and want to bail out. With this format it will be very clear whether the other parent is a good match or not. Either they will agree to participate--or not.

As far as matching up two compatible kids, you have to take a chance and try different partnerships. It will be kind of obvious whether it is a good match. If your child is not in distress and it seems that both children are enjoying the activity, it is a good match. If you are matching two spectrum kids together and it feels too intense and too much pressure for each child (and each parent), this is probably not a good match. Even if your child feels some anxiousness anticipating the upcoming playdate but then slowly progresses each week by participating more, or being more interested in the partner each week, this is success. Remember that typically it takes children time to get used to everything. The more you do the playdates, the more he/she will be able to predict the routine, etc. Stick with it, if possible. You know your child and how long it usually takes him/her to get used to a new situation, if he/she has exceeded this typical timeline, probably not a good match, try another partner.

We'll go into more depth on this topic tomorrow. Stay tuned!

If you would like to ask Fiona a question, leave a comment here or contact her directly at fiona [at]fionazecca [dot] com.